Father's Day

Today was Father's Day... Also known as the day I am reminded about my own father, my step-father, and my children's fathers. I still call my dad "Daddy." That's what he is, and always has been. At least until 2 years ago. That's where my step-dad comes in. You see, he and I did not get along very well after I had my daughter. I did not like the way he treated me or my mother and I am not one to stay quiet about my opinions. 2 years ago, my step-dad committed suicide. My mom went a bit crazy, with good reason of course, but that led to us having a huge falling out and her telling my step-mom a bunch of my personal business, which then got twisted into lies by the time it reached my dad. As a result, my dad stopped talking to me and my step-mom, who had her own agenda, told his whole family the same lies; Thus I have been disowned from the family. Me having a second child out of wedlock made my family even more ashamed of me. So my dad and I are estranged now, and it hurts my heart so badly, yet I have too much anger and pride to be the one to forgive and forget. My mother and I are best friends again yet the damage has been done. Then I think about Alysa's father. He is 28 years old and living with a 43 year old woman. Long story behind that one. He doesn't have a paternal bone in his body. He was not a part of my daughter's life for 5 years, and now that he is, he let's his girlfrind (who's old enough to be her grandmother) take care of her. It makes me sad to think that my daughter has a half ass dad. My son's father on the other hand is a man who could be a wonderfull father, but just isn't. My daughter called him "daddy" for years untill her real dad came into the picture. He is great with kids and has a huge heart with lots of love to give. I loved him very much and wanted desperatey for things to work out between us. Unfortunately, my son is his 5th kid. He has no contact with his other kids, nor does he pay child support. He's almost 30 years old, still waits tables for a living, and won't keep a steady job. He is chronicly irresponsible, undependable, and in my opinion, mentally unstable. Because of these things, I was forced to make the decision to cut off all contact with him. For months I did everything I could to keep him a part of his son's life, even if we couldn't work things out between us after 4 years. Every time I let him in my life, for our son's sake, my job, my bank account, and my life were negativley affected. All he had to do was get a job, make an effort and be responsible and he couln't do that. He didn't even call to see how his son was doing on Father's Day. I wouldn't have answered, but some sort of evidence that he cares would have been nice. Right now as I'm typing this, he is on myspace and yahoo messenger, and has the ability to communicate with me, but doesn't. I want my two beautiful children to have someone to call "Daddy". I feel like I have failed them.