~Bliss~

bliss/blis/Noun
1. Perfect happiness; great joy.
2. Something providing such happiness.

I haven't written in almost a year, but I would like to start by saying how freaking happy I am right now... 2011 Has become arguably the best year ever thanks to David. We met at work in December and at first I thought he was just a short, ghetto, Mexican, but after 4 months, I am happy to say that I was wrong. He is the most amazing man I have ever met and he has completely changed my life :)

I miss my dad...

I've been thinking a lot about him lately, as I do often, and once again I'm wondering how I should try to resolve things. He hasn's spoken to me in years and I don't even know why. He has excommunicated me from his side of the family and if it weren't for facebook and my amazing grandma, I wouldn't know what was going on with anyone! I'm torn because I want my Daddy (yes I still call him that and always will) in my life, but I know that even if we talk and figure things out, that nothing will ever be the same. Maybe that's all part of growing up, but I hate it. I want to be able to talk to my little brother and sister. I miss them so much. I know my step-mom has a lot to do with things, but I just feel like I need answers. I need to know why he won't talk to me. Why he is so ashamed of me or whatever. Why he doesn't want me at the family get togethers. I had my daughter at 18, and had my son out of wedlock too... but so what!? I also graduated highschool with honors, went to college, and have been raising my kids on my own. I don't live off the government, I always have a job, two when neccessary, and in my opinion, have led a life he should be proud of, not ashamed of! I've thought of writting him letters, calling him, or just showing up at his job (since he owns the place) and just get everything out right then and there. I'm angry and so hurt and I miss my dad. Life is too short and I'm terrified that this "estrangement" will go on for so long and then it will be too late. I need to know why my dad gave up on me and what I did that was so horrible that my kids can't know their own grandfather. I just want to make everything better again.

Church... or lack thereof.

Religion is like politics. It's just one of those things that's better left unspoken if your views differ from those you are close to unless you want to start a heated debate that usually ends up in anger or hurt feelings. I choose to listen and not voice my opinions partly for this reason, and partly because I don't know what I believe anymore. I went to Catholic school in Kindergarten and was raised with christian beliefs, though we never really went to church. For brief moments in time, we would go for a few Sundays and then on religious holidays such as Easter and Christmas, but that's about it. I went to vacation bible school every summer and have family that go to church every sunday and say grace at the dinner table every night. But for me, I just don't know. No one really knows anything. I feel like a hypocrite because I do feel like everything happens for a reason and that things are meant to be, yet I don't believe our lives are written in stone- planned out for us. With all the religions out there, who's to say which one is right? I'm not the type to get on my knees and pray and I wouldn't know how to say grace at the table if my life depended on it. I'm more of a "Dear God, thanks for x-y-z, and can you please help with a-b-c, ~Ashley". That in itself means I believe there is a God out there somewhere... but at the same time, I don't understand how you can sin and just because you accept Jesus in your life, you can go to Heaven. This is where my cynicism comes in. If someone like me, an unwed mother is in the bible as being this huge sin, then why am I allowed to go to heaven? Because I'm christian? And if being an unwed mother is all of a sudden, not so bad, then why is being gay? And then does that mean that all the horrible people in the world, like rapists and murderers, get to go to heaven too because they repent their sins and accept Jesus as their savior? This makes no sense to me. What's the point if in the end everyone goes to heaven?

This brings me back to my previous question... which religion is right? If christians believe you'll go to heaven as long as you accept Jesus Christ, then what happens to the Jewish people who don't believe Jesus was the savior? If Mormons believe you get your own star when you die as long as you live a certain way, does that mean that us christians are all going to hell? Same goes with muslims and any other religion. If none are wrong, then none are right. What ever happened with the greeks and romans? They were around before the bible, so did they go to heaven or hell? They believed in several Gods....

Needless to say, I'm a little confused. I've lived a very tragic life for only being 25 years old, yet I have also lived a very wonderfully rewarding life, and I refuse to believe that once we die, that's it. I believe that one day I will see the people I've lost in my life again. (Except for one whom I gladly choose to believe is burning in Hell). I believe that my grandparents are together again and that my Christina is dancing up there with Michael Jackson and watching over me. These thoughts bring me joy and hope. After all, that's what faith is for right? Hope and motivation? Regardless of what I believe or don't believe, I think that faith is the key. People should have faith in something, even if they don't know what it is, like me. And this is what motivated me to go to church last Sunday for the first time in about 3 years. I've always enjoyed going to church and I always feel good after going. After the way the last few months have been, I felt I needed some church in my life, and I was right. They played a song that touched my heart and made me cry (music is pretty much the key to my soul) and then the sermon spoke to me as well. It talked about how we are always trying to plan our lives and plan our kids' lives and control everything in our world and then we get upset or let down when things don't go as planned. Well God knows that NOTHING in my life has gone as I planned! lol. So I'm going to stop planning and just be patient. Somehow everything always turns out ok, and I'm an optimist, so odds are in my favor this time. And guess what? I'm looking forward to going back to church this Sunday. :)

Sometimes you just need your best friend...

I am missing Christina so much right now. When you just need that one person you can talk to at any hour of the night (I once got a land line just for her calls in the middle of the night) it becomes overwhelming when they are not there. I'm all emotional right now over things I can't control. I have anxiety about what might happen, how things are going to be, waiting for things to happen etc. I guess I got a little ahead of myself when I thought about different scenarios. It's been a little over a month since I found out "the big news". I've been in contact with N. ever since. After hearing his reaction, I got super excited. I was so happy that he is a good guy. Conversations were natural and he made me laugh like he always did. This too, made me happy, cause I see some of the same characteristics in a certain someone else. His mom was the one I was nervous about, and it turns out, I have good reason. I also found out that N. has a girlfriend, which is cool, except, now he wants to marry her after only 3 months! They just bought a house in Alabama which means another possibility of mine flew right out the window. I'm not so sure he would be thinking the same way if I had never contacted him. I think it's convenient for him to settle down and have a little family now that things are a little different. And tonight he told me that she gets upset when he talks to me and gets pissy when he shows her pictures or whatever. Also found out his mom is not talking to him. So now, I feel bad for doing what I know in my heart was right. It was never my intentions to mess up whatever good thing he had going in his life. Everything is just so damn complicated now and I hate it! I don't do drama and I don't want to be the one who people hate. Weather it's his mom or J, it doesn't matter. I just don't see how any of this is going to work out anymore. I guess that's what I get for letting my mind go places it shouldn't go. funny thing is that this isn't even about me. It's so much bigger than me. All I want is for my little man to be happy, and a part of me wishes I never said anything at all. I'm crying and I don't even know why. I think it's because I'm scared. I'm scared of so many things and I don't even know anything at all yet. I'm trying to take things 1 day at a time, but it's so damn hard. I need Christina here to talk to. She was all I had. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. There is 1 thing holding everything else back. I think once we get that out of the way, other things will start to happen. That's what I need. Motion. some sort of movement forward.

Life is good.

I am pleased to report that life is pretty fantastic once you get through what you're going through. Financial freedom seems to help a little bit too. I got my income tax back and paid off my debt to my mom and sister for my car, paid off all 3 of my credit cards, and paid for my summer vacation in full! I'm going on a cruise to Mexico and I'm so excited. My goal is to go on a vacation at least once a year. I figure it's the "grown up" thing to do :) Things are really looking a bit more colorful these days. Carter's 1st birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm getting his portraits done tomorrow. His party supplies I ordered should be here tomorrow too. I got it all planned out! While shopping for his perfect outfits for the pictures, I applied for a credit line in order to get a discount and expected to get denied. I am now the proud owner of a Children's Place credit card, lol. Oops! Who would have thought I would get approved!? I figure now is the time to do things the right way with credit cards after taking 5 years to pay off my others. Anyways, it really feels good to be able to take care of my kids and do the things other parents can afford to do. I'm really proud of myself. I feel like such a huge weight has been taken off of my shoulders and I want to keep it that way. I'd like to think that I am officially back on my feet!

Winter Vacation in New Mexico

The kids and I flew to Albuquerque again to see my "Bio-Mom". I hate that title, but I don't know what else to call her, lol. We had a blast. I got to go eat at the top of the Sandia Mountains again and we drove to Santa Fe and the kids got to see snow for the first time! We're back home now and my last semester in community college has begun. It's very time consuming and it's only the second day! I'm thankful for online classes though, cause it it weren't for that, I wouldn't be able to go to school right now. After this semester I will have an Associate of Arts degree. It's taken 7 years to get a 2 year degree, but it's a degree! Something to show for what I have done so far. It hasn't been easy. I'm looking forward to work this week too. After being off for a week, I'm broke and it's the slow season in the restaurant business. I'm lucky I even have a job. My w2 needs to hurry up and get here so I can get my income tax.

Growing babies, shrinking mommys, and wedding prep.

It's been a while... Summer is over and Alysa is in first grade. I made A's in both classes I took over the summer and I started one class, out of the two I'm taking this semester, today. I hive high hopes for myself. I think I will do really well. At least I hope so :) I've been working out for about 3-4 weeks now and I've lost 15lbs and one dress/pant size. Woo Hoo! I really enjoy being back in the gym again. I can tell it has really boosted my morale in life and I'm in an over all happier mood. Things have really been going well for me lately and I think that I have worked hard to get to where I am. Kim's Wedding is 2 weeks away and I'm totally looking forward to it. My dress had to be altered because it was too big, and it looks amazing on me. The bachelorette party was kind of a bust, but I know the wedding will be a lot of fun. Carter is crawling now and cut his first tooth today!
He started crawling on Aug. 31st and he crawls like a little army man on his forearms, lol. It is so cute. He's learning how to sit up on his own too. In the mornings when he wakes up he peeks over the railing of his crib and the second he sees me he just smiles so big. It melts my heart every time. Alysa has yet to loose her first loose tooth. The permanent tooth is growing in behind the loose one but for some reason it doesn't want to come out. She has another loose tooth right next to it too, so hopefully it won't have the same problem. I'm going to look at a new apartment tomorrow... The house thing is not going to happen, so we'll see. I don't move until December, but it doesn't hurt to start looking now. I can't wait to get out of the apartment I'm in right now! Other than that, my life is great right now. No complaints here =D