Sometimes you just need your best friend...

I am missing Christina so much right now. When you just need that one person you can talk to at any hour of the night (I once got a land line just for her calls in the middle of the night) it becomes overwhelming when they are not there. I'm all emotional right now over things I can't control. I have anxiety about what might happen, how things are going to be, waiting for things to happen etc. I guess I got a little ahead of myself when I thought about different scenarios. It's been a little over a month since I found out "the big news". I've been in contact with N. ever since. After hearing his reaction, I got super excited. I was so happy that he is a good guy. Conversations were natural and he made me laugh like he always did. This too, made me happy, cause I see some of the same characteristics in a certain someone else. His mom was the one I was nervous about, and it turns out, I have good reason. I also found out that N. has a girlfriend, which is cool, except, now he wants to marry her after only 3 months! They just bought a house in Alabama which means another possibility of mine flew right out the window. I'm not so sure he would be thinking the same way if I had never contacted him. I think it's convenient for him to settle down and have a little family now that things are a little different. And tonight he told me that she gets upset when he talks to me and gets pissy when he shows her pictures or whatever. Also found out his mom is not talking to him. So now, I feel bad for doing what I know in my heart was right. It was never my intentions to mess up whatever good thing he had going in his life. Everything is just so damn complicated now and I hate it! I don't do drama and I don't want to be the one who people hate. Weather it's his mom or J, it doesn't matter. I just don't see how any of this is going to work out anymore. I guess that's what I get for letting my mind go places it shouldn't go. funny thing is that this isn't even about me. It's so much bigger than me. All I want is for my little man to be happy, and a part of me wishes I never said anything at all. I'm crying and I don't even know why. I think it's because I'm scared. I'm scared of so many things and I don't even know anything at all yet. I'm trying to take things 1 day at a time, but it's so damn hard. I need Christina here to talk to. She was all I had. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. There is 1 thing holding everything else back. I think once we get that out of the way, other things will start to happen. That's what I need. Motion. some sort of movement forward.