Church... or lack thereof.

Religion is like politics. It's just one of those things that's better left unspoken if your views differ from those you are close to unless you want to start a heated debate that usually ends up in anger or hurt feelings. I choose to listen and not voice my opinions partly for this reason, and partly because I don't know what I believe anymore. I went to Catholic school in Kindergarten and was raised with christian beliefs, though we never really went to church. For brief moments in time, we would go for a few Sundays and then on religious holidays such as Easter and Christmas, but that's about it. I went to vacation bible school every summer and have family that go to church every sunday and say grace at the dinner table every night. But for me, I just don't know. No one really knows anything. I feel like a hypocrite because I do feel like everything happens for a reason and that things are meant to be, yet I don't believe our lives are written in stone- planned out for us. With all the religions out there, who's to say which one is right? I'm not the type to get on my knees and pray and I wouldn't know how to say grace at the table if my life depended on it. I'm more of a "Dear God, thanks for x-y-z, and can you please help with a-b-c, ~Ashley". That in itself means I believe there is a God out there somewhere... but at the same time, I don't understand how you can sin and just because you accept Jesus in your life, you can go to Heaven. This is where my cynicism comes in. If someone like me, an unwed mother is in the bible as being this huge sin, then why am I allowed to go to heaven? Because I'm christian? And if being an unwed mother is all of a sudden, not so bad, then why is being gay? And then does that mean that all the horrible people in the world, like rapists and murderers, get to go to heaven too because they repent their sins and accept Jesus as their savior? This makes no sense to me. What's the point if in the end everyone goes to heaven?

This brings me back to my previous question... which religion is right? If christians believe you'll go to heaven as long as you accept Jesus Christ, then what happens to the Jewish people who don't believe Jesus was the savior? If Mormons believe you get your own star when you die as long as you live a certain way, does that mean that us christians are all going to hell? Same goes with muslims and any other religion. If none are wrong, then none are right. What ever happened with the greeks and romans? They were around before the bible, so did they go to heaven or hell? They believed in several Gods....

Needless to say, I'm a little confused. I've lived a very tragic life for only being 25 years old, yet I have also lived a very wonderfully rewarding life, and I refuse to believe that once we die, that's it. I believe that one day I will see the people I've lost in my life again. (Except for one whom I gladly choose to believe is burning in Hell). I believe that my grandparents are together again and that my Christina is dancing up there with Michael Jackson and watching over me. These thoughts bring me joy and hope. After all, that's what faith is for right? Hope and motivation? Regardless of what I believe or don't believe, I think that faith is the key. People should have faith in something, even if they don't know what it is, like me. And this is what motivated me to go to church last Sunday for the first time in about 3 years. I've always enjoyed going to church and I always feel good after going. After the way the last few months have been, I felt I needed some church in my life, and I was right. They played a song that touched my heart and made me cry (music is pretty much the key to my soul) and then the sermon spoke to me as well. It talked about how we are always trying to plan our lives and plan our kids' lives and control everything in our world and then we get upset or let down when things don't go as planned. Well God knows that NOTHING in my life has gone as I planned! lol. So I'm going to stop planning and just be patient. Somehow everything always turns out ok, and I'm an optimist, so odds are in my favor this time. And guess what? I'm looking forward to going back to church this Sunday. :)